.svg){kind=small}
Idaho, Iowa, Des Moines
One of the biggest thought patterns I see my clients with ADHD and anxiety struggle with is the relentless pressure of shoulding themselves.
I should have my life together by now.
I should be more productive.
I should be better at relationships.
These thoughts feel like facts, but they’re actually a recognized cognitive distortion: should statements. In this series of blog posts, we’re talking about the different mental filters that warp reality and fuels guilt, self-doubt, and burnout – and how ADHD and anxiety can exacerbate these patterns of thinking. For many neurodivergent people, “shoulding” isn’t just an occasional bad habit. It’s ingrained through years of perfectionism, constant comparison, and being made to feel like they’re falling short of some invisible standard.
"Shoulding" yourself happens when you hold yourself to rigid, often unrealistic, standards and then beat yourself up for not meeting them. A should statement is the internal voice that tells you:
It’s a guilt trip, and it’s exhausting. When you’ve spent a lifetime trying to keep up with neurotypical expectations (like struggling with executive dysfunction, masking your differences, or feeling like you have to work twice as hard just to be seen as competent), it’s easy to internalize the belief that you should be doing more, better, or differently.
People with ADHD want to follow through, be consistent, and meet expectations. But challenges with executive functions like time management, planning, organization, and task initiation can make it exponentially harder to do the things you “should” do, even when you care about them deeply.
ADHD doesn’t erase your good intentions, it just puts up roadblocks that can make it feel like you’re always doing things wrong. When you’re shoulding yourself, you’re ultimately comparing your weaknesses to everyone else’s perceived strengths.
Anxiety takes normal self-reflection and amplifies it into constant self-criticism. Instead of thinking, “I didn't do that today. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow,” anxiety says things like:
When you have anxiety, should statements don’t feel like encouragement. That’s because they’re not fueled by self-compassion, they’re fueled by shame. They feel like evidence that you’re never enough. And because anxiety is fueled by uncertainty, even when you do meet your shoulds, your brain just finds a new one to worry about.
For many people with ADHD and anxiety, perfectionism and rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) make should statements even more intense. If you already feel like you have to prove yourself to be taken seriously, or like you won’t be loved unless you behave a certain way, shoulding yourself turns into a never-ending chase for external validation. But shoulding yourself just makes you feel worse. Rather than being on your own team, you just feel like you’re falling short all the time.
ADHD and anxiety often reinforce each other in a way that makes shoulding yourself a really tough cycle to escape. For example, consider the following scenario:
ADHD makes a task hard to complete. Anxiety kicks in with a should statement, like “You should have gotten this done this by now.” You feel guilt and shame, making it harder to start OR finish. The task gets pushed further, increasing anxiety. Rinse and repeat.
The more you struggle to meet your “shoulds,” the more overwhelming they become, until you’re stuck in a spiral of procrastination, overthinking, and self-blame.
The problem with should statements is they sound reasonable. You want to do better, be better, improve yourself. There’s nothing wrong inherently wrong with striving for improvement.
Except shoulding yourself isn’t about self-improvement. It’s about self-judgment, shame, and abandoning yourself in moments when what you really need is self-compassion.
When you frame everything as a should, you’re implying that anything less than perfection is failure. There’s no room for context, nuance, or, you know, being a neurodivergent human. Instead, you’re comparing yourself to unrealistic standards, other people (who have their own struggles and experiences that you can never fully understand because you aren’t them), or past versions of yourself.
Here are some of the most common should statements that come up for ADHD-ers and anxious overthinkers:
Every single one of these assumes that ADHD, anxiety, and executive dysfunction shouldn’t exist. But they do. And ignoring reality or beating yourself to a pulp doesn’t make anything better; it simply makes you feel like shit.
So, how do you stop shoulding yourself into an anxious mess? Start by challenging these thoughts and reframing them in ways that are actually helpful.
Instead of berating yourself for not doing something you think you should be able to do, try to think of gentle ways to show up for yourself when something is hard. For example, if you’re struggling with productivity, you could say something like, “I could try using a timer to break tasks into smaller chunks” or “I could experiment with different work environments to see what helps me focus.”
This is a small shift in language, but it erases the shame from the experience. Rather than reinforcing your failures, it reframes your experience and opens up possibilities.
A lot of our should statements exist because of external expectations. Messages from society, family, school, and capitalism are strong and run deep, but they’re often not true. Ask yourself:
If you can’t find legitimate evidence that you’re a failure (beyond “I just am”), the things you’re telling yourself are probably untrue. See if you can find cracks in the foundation.
Instead of chasing some vague, impossible, societal version of success, define it on your terms.
Imagine a friend came to you and said, I should have my whole life figured out by now. Would you say, Yep, you’re a gigantic failure? Of course not.
You’d probably remind them that no one has it all figured out, that progress isn’t linear, and that they’re doing the best they can. You also might recognize the efforts you see them put in so frequently, and that they’re doing a really good job working through some very hard things.
What might happen if you talked to yourself like that?
Life is hard enough without adding an extra layer of shame and self-judgment. “Shoulding” yourself doesn’t make you more productive, more disciplined, or more successful. It just makes you feel like crap.
If you want support breaking free from these patterns, therapy can be a game-changer. I’m here to help you navigate all the hard things and celebrate your wins as we go. Learn about my therapy services (including EMDR and talk therapy) if you’re located in Idaho, Iowa, or South Carolina. For all other locations, check out my coaching services. My coaching program offers all the same expertise, tools, and guidance as therapy in a more direct and goal-oriented approach that you can benefit from anywhere.
Together, let’s retire the shoulds and focus on what’s actually possible, sustainable, and healthy. You deserve that.
Danielle is an anxiety therapist and perfectionism coach. She specializes in helping busy millennials dial down their anxiety and ADHD, so they can perform at their best. Danielle has been featured on Apartment Therapy, SparkPeople, Lifewire, and Now Art World. When Danielle isn't helping her clients, she's playing video games or spending time with her partner and step children.
Helping millennial professionals dial down anxiety and stress, so they can perform at their best.
Information
Locations
.svg){kind=small}
