The "It’s All My Fault" Cognitive Distortions: ADHD Personalization and Mind Reading

In this series, we’re breaking down common cognitive distortions (also known as thinking traps) that can show up in anyone, but tend to be especially amplified by ADHD, anxiety, or both. In our last post, we talk about overgeneralization and all-or-nothing thinking. Now, let’s get into two more sneaky distortions that love to band together: personalization and mind reading.

If you’ve ever felt convinced that someone was upset with you without clear evidence, or taken responsibility for something that wasn’t actually your fault, then you’ve experienced these thinking traps in action. Personalization and mind reading can turn everyday interactions into a minefield of self-doubt and anxiety.

Understanding what these distortions look like can help you distinguish when they’re taking over in any given moment, make moves to lessen their power in your life, and seek support when you need it.

What Are Personalization and Mind Reading?

Personalization: The It Must Be Me Cognitive Distortion

Personalization is when you take responsibility for things that aren’t actually your fault. It’s the belief that other people’s feelings, actions, or moods are directly caused by something you did or didn’t do. It might sound like:

• "My friend seemed quiet today. I must have said something wrong."
• "My boss looked annoyed in our meeting. It’s because she doesn’t like me.”
• "My partner is in a bad mood. What did I do?"

In reality, there are countless reasons why someone might be quiet, frustrated, or distracted. But personalization convinces you that it must be about you. Even if you logically know it probably isn’t, it feels like it is. 

Mind Reading: The I Just Know Cognitive Distortion 

Mind reading is the assumption that you know what others are thinking, and that it’s almost always negative. You’re convinced your coworker is mad, your friend is annoyed, or your partner is disappointed, even though you have zero actual evidence. It might look like:

• "They didn’t text back right away. They’re ignoring me because they’re upset with me."
• "That person gave me a weird look. They must think I’m ugly and awkward."
• "My therapist took a second to respond. She must be judging me."

This thinking trap creates an endless cycle of overanalyzing interactions, filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios, and ultimately reinforcing anxiety and self-doubt.

Why ADHD and Anxiety Intensify Mind Reading and Personalization 

ADHD and Sensitivity

If you have ADHD, you might be extra sensitive to shifts in social dynamics. Maybe you pick up on subtle changes in tone or body language, but instead of evaluating the situation neutrally, your brain immediately jumps to "Oh shit. What did I do wrong?"

This is partly because ADHD brains struggle with emotional regulation and impulse control. When you notice something slightly off in an interaction, it can feel urgent and overwhelming. Instead of pausing to assess the bigger picture, your mind races ahead, filling in gaps with negative assumptions and self-blame.

Additionally, ADHD often involves rejection sensitivity, which makes perceived slights or social shifts feel more intense than they actually are. This heightened sensitivity makes personalization and mind reading feel even more automatic and convincing.

Plus, many people with ADHD may have other types of neurodivergence as well, including being a highly sensitive person, being on the autism spectrum, or something else involving extra levels of sensitivity to stimulation and emotion. This means navigating everything from relationships to social cues can feel more fraught and require more gentleness. 

Anxiety and Worst-Case Scenario Thinking

At its most primal level, anxiety boils down to fear of the unknown – or, more specifically, of not being able to handle the unknown. It feeds on catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions. If your ADHD brain fixates on a perceived social shift, anxiety jumps in to craft a narrative that makes it all your fault. The more you obsess over it, the more real it feels.

Anxiety also makes it difficult to tolerate ambiguity. If a friend is acting off, your brain may demand a reason – and since all brains are wired for survival (but especially anxious brains), you automatically assume the worst. This creates a self-reinforcing loop of noticing a small or even neutral cue, panicking about it, ruminating and trying to figure it out, and stressing yourself out into an anxiety spiral.

The Hidden Cost: Social Burnout and Emotional Exhaustion

If you’re constantly monitoring people’s moods, assuming responsibility for their emotions, or trying to preemptively manage their reactions, you’re going to burn out. ADHD already makes socializing mentally taxing because of the effort required to stay engaged, filter other distractions, and regulate impulses. It’s a lot to have to process and deal with all at once. Adding personalization and mind reading into social interactions can feel incredibly discouraging. 

Over time, the intensity of believing your cognitive distortions can lead to social withdrawal. If every interaction feels like a potential source of anxiety, too much labor, or rejection, it’s natural to want to avoid them altogether. But isolation can increase anxiety and reinforce the same cognitive distortions, making the cycle even harder to break.

How to Keep Personalization and Mind Reading in Check

1. Practice awareness

Try and bring awareness to your personalizing or mind reading tendencies. Does it happen more frequently in specific situations, with specific people, or during times you’re extra stressed out? See if you can find patterns. This can help you recognize the cracks in these cognitive distortions’ supposed logic. Then, when it comes up, ask yourself:

• What’s the actual evidence for this belief?
• Can I name a few other possible explanations for this person’s behavior?
• If a friend were in my shoes, what would I tell them?

For example: Instead of thinking, "My friend is frustrated, so I must have messed up," try, "My friend is stressed today. They have their own thing going on and I’m not going to assume it’s about me.”

2. Ask, don’t assume

Instead of assuming you know what someone is thinking, ask them. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s often the quickest way to get out of your own head.

Try something like:

• "Hey, you seem a little off today. Is everything okay?"
• "I noticed you were quiet earlier. Did I say something that upset you?"

Most of the time, you’ll find that your worst fears weren’t true. And if they are true, it’s usually not as catastrophic as your brain is making it out to be.

3. Use a big picture strategy

ADHD can make it hard to zoom out and see things rationally. When you catch yourself spiraling, try asking:

• "Will this still matter in a week? A month?"
• "Has this person reacted like this before? Could this be about something else?"

Often, taking a step back helps defuse the intensity of the moment.

4. Practice distress tolerance

If you chronically worry about what everyone else thinks, the real work is learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing someone or unintentionally hurting their feelings. Instead of making it your mission to prevent these things from happening, trust that mistakes in relationships are inevitable. The goal isn’t to be perfect, never do anything wrong, or or control how others feel but to respond with both compassion and self-compassion when misunderstandings or conflicts do arise. Having self-compassion during hard things will help get you through the hard things. 

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of connection. Learning to tolerate discomfort in relationships allows you to move through the world with more ease, because you can trust yourself to handle what arises instead of living in hypervigilance, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Therapy Can Help You Untangle ADHD Cognitive Distortions

Breaking free from personalization and mind reading is much easier said than done. Unlearning decades of thinking and behavior patterns takes a lot of time and practice, so be gentle with yourself as you navigate this. 

If you don’t want to do it alone, you don’t have to. Therapy can help you recognize these patterns, reframe your thoughts, and develop healthier coping strategies. Working with someone trained in ADHD and anxiety, like me, helps you find ease and balance more quickly. 

If these thinking traps are interfering with your relationships or mental health and you want support, I’m here to help. I offer anxiety and ADHD therapy (including EMDR and talk therapy) and coaching services so you can get the support you need no matter where you live. 

Reach out today to schedule a complimentary consultation and see if we’re a good fit. Let’s start finding you a better, more balanced future together.