My Boss is Toxic. What Now?

“Toxic” isn’t just a buzzword. It’s a very real, very valid experience, particularly when it comes to a work environment. If your gut is screaming “My boss is toxic,” you're not imagining things. Unfortunately, we’ve all been taught to downplay how much work messes with us, especially for those of us who live with neurodivergence, anxiety, and chronic people-pleasing or perfectionism.

When it comes to working for a controlling boss or being in a full-on toxic workplace, you may tell yourself (or other people are quick to tell you) that’s just how the real world is.

But let me ask you this: if you walked into a family dinner and someone yelled at you, nitpicked your every move, and made you feel like shit on the regular, would that be okay? Probably not. So is it acceptable when your boss does it?

We talk a lot about toxic families, narcissistic parents, and childhood wounds (all important), but not enough about how toxic workplaces can absolutely wreck your nervous system. As a coach and therapist for ADHD and anxiety, I’ve worked with a ton of smart, kind, hard-working millennials who are dealing with real trauma from bad bosses. That chronic fight-or-flight feeling you get before logging on? That spiral when you make a tiny mistake? That fear that nothing better is out there? That’s not just “being sensitive.” That’s a nervous system that’s been fried from walking on eggshells for too damn long.

If you're stuck in a job where your boundaries are ignored, your people-pleasing is on overdrive, and you're constantly trying to be perfect to avoid getting chewed out, you don’t have to put up with it. You get to work toward something better. 

Bad Boss Characteristics (How to Spot the Bullshit)

Sometimes the worst part about working for a controlling boss is not being totally sure if it’s toxic or if you’re the problem (imposter syndrome, anyone?)

Here’s a quick toxic workplace checklist to help you gut-check what’s going on:

• You're expected to be available 24/7 or guilt-tripped when you're not.
• Your boss micromanages you and doesn’t trust you to make basic decisions.
• You get more criticism than praise—even when you’re doing a great job.
• There's a culture of fear, secrecy, or constant turnover.
• You feel like you’re never doing enough, no matter how hard you work.
• You’re terrified of making mistakes because the consequences feel personal.
• There are no real boundaries, just blurred lines and imbalanced power plays.

Bad leaders don’t always scream or throw things (though some do.) Sometimes they’re passive-aggressive. Sometimes they guilt you into staying late or act like you're lazy when you're burned out. Sometimes they weaponize feedback to tear you down instead of build you up. Sometimes the culture of your workplace is simply: shut up, give me your all, and don’t ask for improvement.

If you read that list and had a full-body reaction? Yep. My boss is toxic isn’t just a hunch—it’s a reality. And it’s not your fault you’re feeling this way.

“What If It’s Like This Everywhere?”

I hear this one all the time: “I want to leave, but I’m scared that every job will be just as bad.”

This is a totally normal and valid response. Especially if this isn’t your first rodeo with a bad boss. You might have internalized the idea that you’re the common denominator, or that all work just sucks this much. But not all workplaces are toxic. Not all leaders will make you feel small or used.

What you’re likely experiencing is a combo of trauma, capitalism, and conditioning. You were probably taught to be a “team player,” to keep your head down, to not make waves. Add some anxiety or ADHD into the mix, and suddenly your nervous system is doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics just to survive another day in a job that’s draining the life out of you.

Leaving isn’t easy. But staying in a system that breaks your spirit isn’t a long-term solution either.

How to Set Boundaries (Even When It Feels Terrifying)

The topic of setting boundaries – how to do it without anxiety completely taking over or without feeling like an asshole – comes up a lot in my work. That’s because it’s a super common and understandable problem for so many people. If you’re still in your job and not quite ready to make a move, I get it. Maybe you need the paycheck. Maybe you’re building your exit plan. Either way, it’s better to start small (and imperfectly) with boundaries, rather than waiting for the ideal time. 

Here’s how to begin:

1. Get clear on your limits. What’s your emotional breaking point? What behaviors feel unsafe or unsustainable?
   
   
2. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. This builds up your boundary muscle so it’s stronger for the big ones.
   
   
3. Document everything. Especially if things get sketchy. Keep a paper trail of feedback, emails, and patterns.
   
   
4. Remind yourself you’re allowed to take up space. Your needs matter, even if your boss makes you feel otherwise.
   
   
5. Detach your worth from your productivity. You are not your output. You don’t need to bleed for your work, input, and paycheck to be valuable.

Boundaries aren’t just about what you say, they’re about what you believe and how you behave. If you truly believe your mental health matters (and it does), you’re allowed to draw a line. 

How to Stop Working for a Controlling Boss

If you’re ready to stop working for a controlling boss or an exhausting job that’s headed straight for burnout, you can do it mindfully. You don’t have to quit in a blaze of glory (unless that’s your thing). You can plan a soft exit that protects your peace and sets you up for something better.

Start gathering data. Look at job boards, talk to people in healthier companies, see what’s out there.

Update your resume. It will likely feel like a chore, but it’s a powerful reminder that you do have skills and options. (You can pull tools out of your toolbox for this, like utilizing a body double and celebrating tiny wins.)

Listen to your gut. Red flags in interviews are real. Don’t ignore them. Ask questions about leadership style, boundaries, and culture. 

Remind yourself that safety is a non-negotiable. No job is worth your health or sanity.

Leaving a toxic job can feel like a breakup. You might feel a mix of grief, relief, confusion, and identity crisis. That’s normal. You’re not weak for being impacted by it. You’re human.

You Don’t Have to Deal With Bad Leaders. You Deserve Better. 

If no one’s said it to you lately: You deserve to work somewhere you feel respected, supported, and safe.

That doesn’t make you entitled. It makes you a person with basic needs. And if bad leaders have convinced you that you're asking for too much, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. 

So if you're lying awake thinking “My boss is toxic, but I don’t know what to do,” know this: you're not alone, you're not crazy, and you can get through this. You can unlearn the bullshit, reconnect with your worth, and rebuild your confidence (and nervous system) from the ground up.

If you want help working through your toxic work situation, build boundaries that stick, or finally stop people-pleasing your way into burnout, I’m here to support you. I help millennial clients with ADHD and anxiety learn how to stand up for themselves and reclaim their sanity. Get in touch to set up a free consultation.

Outside support can make a big difference in getting through hard times. But with or without it, you get to go after something better for yourself. You deserve it.